Adios, 2016! You were quite the mix of amazing and awful. Personally, I lost my father (awful) and birthed a son (amazing!). Then there was that whole Trump debacle, a bunch of assholes doing horrible things to really good people, but at least 2016 decided to give us a little laugh by ending it all with whatever the hell it was Mariah Carey did on stage.
My original intention was to post this on 1 January, but thought of the poor, hungover souls who didn't want to think about fitness or resolutions whilst paying tribute to the Porcelain Throne. You're welcome, friends! But today, TODAY, is 2 January! This is the day to really dig deep and find those resolutions. I'm going to walk you through planning your fitness resolution in a way that will actually work. A way to get it all down on paper, and give yourself some accountability. I'm sure some famous person said it, but I'm going to give my old high school swim coach credit for this gem, "A goal is just a dream until you write it down." So, don't dream it, DO IT. Write that shiz down and make it happen.
If you're able, print this worksheet, and we'll go through it together.
STEP 1. Brainstorm. Get a piece of scrap paper, and write down all of your fitness goals for this year. Don't be afraid to dream big. Set a timer for three minutes if you want and go to it. I'll wait.
STEP 2. Read through your list and pick one that you want to work with in this example. I'll be using the example of building a Sir Mix a Lot approved booty. I am a small-framed white chick. I have no booty. It is a sad, sad thing that has brought lots of teasing to my life. That's okay though! I'll make it a new goal! GET A BOOTY.
STEP 3. Start writing it down. My box says this: My fitness goal for 2017 is to get a luscious ass. I want to be able to look in a mirror sideways and not see a bootydo (ya know, where your belly sticks out further than your booty do). That, my friends, is just how non existent my butt is.
STEP 4: Circle the Yes or No at each point. This will test to see if this resolution is possible to achieve.
-Can I make time for my new booty? HELL YES!
-Will this new booty improve my life? YES...well, it will improve my superficial life.
-Can I set tangible booty benchmarks? YES...I can set a squat goal.
STEP 5: Figure it out. I will make time for my booty on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays during my regular workout time, which is 7:30pm because the offspring are in bed and the husband is home to take care of any "I need water/I'm cold/I'm hot/my PJ's are too pajama-y (yep, we've heard that gem)/I'm hungry/I'm full/I miss you" concerns the offspring will inevitable have. (side note: last week when Matt was putting the kids to bed, the girl child told him that she had a secret. He leaned in close so she could whisper in his ear. The secret? Vagina. Thanks for that one, kid).
It will improve my personal life because I won't be so self-conscious about my lack of ass. It may not grow, but at least I'll know I've given it my all and can rest peacefully in 2018 with whatever the outcome of 2017 is.
It will improve my professional life because I'll have a fit booty that will be the envy of all the masses!
It will improve my romantic life because having the body of a woman is much sexier than that of a prepubescent boy.
It will improve my medical life because I'll save a ton of money on Kardashian ass implants.
STEP 6: Think it through. This year will be different because I have a game plan. I know when I will work on the glutes and when I will set benchmarks and squat goals. The major obstacles are my drive and my kids. It is so easy to just lay on the couch once the reinforcements come home, so making myself actually get up, walk the 13 seconds to the studio in the garage and squat it out will be imperative.
The following questions you'll need to be specific with, I'll save the humor on these and allow you to work through them on your own. Think long and hard if needed. WHAT DIDN'T WORK FOR YOUR FITNESS GOALS LAST YEAR? Please be honest with yourself. Did you get injured? Did you give yourself one too many cheat days and then decide "f*&k it, I'll do it next year." Did life's distractions get in your way? Did you have people in your life who weren't supporting you? Really look at WHY and think of ways to head off the same obstacles this year.
Will a personal trainer help me reach my goals? Probably. If they're any good they will! My inbox is always open to help with goal setting. Please shoot me a note firstname.lastname@example.org and I'll be more than happy to get you going with your goal sheet.
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I WISH YOU ALL A HAPPY AND HEALTHY 2017!