Green Juices and Green Smoothies are pretty common beverages in the DeVita house. The kids like them, they have some sort of green leafy vegetable in them, and I can relax when I see them sneak handfuls of Luke's Cheddar Clouds because I know they've had about a cup and a half of leafy greens apiece. Also, the only differing factor between our juices and smoothies is my lack of consideration for measurements. I eyeball things. Sometimes I'm good at it, and sometimes I suck.
Today's tale is one of tragedy and humor. I'll give a little back story, mom style, simply because I like making other people feel like better parents than me. Everyone likes a little boost to their ego, I know I do, that's why I watch old episodes of 16 And Pregnant and those early seasons of the original Teen Mom. I always feel better in my parenting choices when I compare myself to that one dumb broad who chose a Keisha concert over JAIL.
So, today was a regular day. Hot AF outside, but regular. Eldest child's friend invited her to the beach today, so she was off my hands for several hours (thanks, Lindsay or Lindsey...I can't spell names!) which left me with numbers two and three. Three had been up since 6am with one especially shitty nap of 40 minutes. If any of you out there don't have kids, or have perfect sleepers and nappers, an angry almost one year old running on fumes is FUCKING TERRIBLE. Worse than the dead rat smell I've got happening in my garage right now. I'd rather smell a rotting rodent carcass than deal with a baby who hasn't napped...that's pretty intense. And so, so true.
Number two had soccer practice (hilarious, by the way. A bunch of three year olds trying to kick soccer balls looks a lot like drunk college kids in the midst of a rousing game of Sloshball. It was so hot outside, that after soccer, number two and I thought it would be great to make a nice, cold smoothie. This is where my day gets interesting.
I took the kids inside, distracted the baby with a puzzle and left Number Two to go to the bathroom. I snuck out front to my sad attempt at a garden and cut some fresh kale. As I'm walking up the porch, the front door opens. Number Two is yelling to me that the baby put his hands in the toilet. The toilet that was full of fresh urine. Fucking rad. As if that wasn't gross enough, Number Two, upon possibly hearing my distress, drops a solid F-bomb. I stifled my laugh, hid my pride that he was using words in both the right context and syntax (homie is getting evaluated for speech therapy and other stuff in the near future) and explained to him that while playing in pee-filled water is disgusting, the f-word is a "mommy word." He looked at me and said, "it's also for big kids. Like me." Or at least that's what I thought he said...I can't make it out all the time.
After I clean up the gross little one who has an innate need to touch toilet water, we get cracking on the smoothie. Number Two has a set of mini figures from the Trolls movie. They were "watching" me make the smoothie and wanted to "help." Number two would hold one up, and together they'd add the kale. My darling son thought that four of them could help at the same time, they helped, then they fell in to the blender. I got them out, gave them a bath, and added some frozen pineapple.
Into the Vitamix they went, when caCHUNK caCHUNK caCHUNK. I was getting really mad at the smoothie setting because it was having issues breaking up ice and pineapple. I ran it through a second cycle only to hear the same hideous noise. I turned it off, noticed blue specks, didn't recall adding blueberries, and realized, a troll had perished. Poor Branch, he thought he'd be eaten by a Bergen, but he met his demise in a bowl full of kale and some sharp ass blades.
After a few tears and brief ceremony, Branch's remains were discarded, along with the smoothie. Because I used the rest of the frozen fruit in the death smoothie, I had to improvise and used strawberry jam. I know. I may as well give him that damn Unicorn Frapp. Except not, calm down, it was just a little bit of sugar. He drank it, I drank it, Number Three the pee-touching baby drank it, and it had Kale.
All the little darlings are now asleep in their beds, and I'm anxiously sitting here, glancing between this page and the clock, just waiting for one to wake up and need something. Probably one will discover the joys of sand being lodged in places we'd rather not have it.